the end.

(image via le love)

After four months of unsuccessful attempts to meet someone online, I'm putting an end to my eHarmony subscription. Perhaps I'll open it back up at some point, but at least for the month of February, I'm taking a break. After a lot of thought, I've decided that I need to focus on a few other things at the moment, namely loving on myself. "Must love us" have taken on a whole new meaning for me . . . well, I guess it's more like, "must love me." I want to spend more time improving myself, not just because I want to find a boyfriend/husband, but because I want to feel more confident about who I am, which I think, in turn, will make me more appealing to a guy eventually.

This little experiment has opened my eyes to a lot of things:

• I still don't know what I'm looking for.
• I still don't know who I am.
• My girlfriends are so, so, precious to me.
• Online dating isn't as easy as it looks.
• I am not alone in my loneliness.

And I'm thankful for what I've learned.

But don't worry; this isn't the end of my blogging. I'll continue to write about my adventures as a single woman who is learning that she must love herself.

chopsticks and toilet bowls

Tonight, out of the blue, I had a couple of those moments when I really, really wanted someone here with me to share in the laughter. You see, I live by myself, and I am constantly doing ridiculous things that I think are hilarious. Well, they're hilarious until I realize that I'm the only one laughing . . . and then it's just kind of sad.

So one of my New Year's resolutions is to eat healthier. As a result, I've been cooking at home more, and I've even been preparing my lunches/dinners for the week in advance. Impressive, eh? Well, tonight, I cooked my dinner, but also threw some chicken in the oven. While watching The Biggest Loser (for inspiration, of course), I completely forgot about the chicken until two hours later! You wouldn't believe how little those breasts were when I pulled them out! Some poor little chick died in vain -- just for me to burn its boobs, then throw them in the trash . . . sad . . . but yes, funny.

But the real kicker came tonight while going through my typical pre-sleep bathroom routine. While brushing my teeth with no contacts in (so I was totally blind), I saw movement on my wall. It was a spider. Fumbling, I grabbed my glasses, so I could see where it went, and I knocked my tweezers into the toilet. Oops! Glasses now on (sight restored), I stared blankly into the bowl. I couldn't flush them. But I wasn't going to stick my hand in there. Gross. (Oh, and where was that spider? Long gone. He must have realized he had been given a second chance to live and booked it.) I went into the kitchen, grabbed a chopstick, and attempted to rescue my tweezers. (This is the point that I was really wishing someone -- namely, a husband -- could be here to enjoy the scenario with me.) Success! But I decided I just couldn't stand to allow them to touch my skin ever again. One more thing tossed in the trash due to my neglect . . . Oh, and don't worry -- I tossed the chopstick too.

I guess I might as well throw its partner away too. It's kind of useless without a mate . . . oh, wait . . .

the rose

So here I sit. It's Monday night, the first week of the new year, and I'm at home, alone, watching The Bachelor. (Most likely, after that sentence, you've concluded that I didn't have that date on New Year's Eve.) If you know me, you might think this is a bit odd; reality shows are not my favorite, particularly those on which girls flaunt their bodies and fight over a boy they barely know. But here I am, watching it anyway. This time around, I find myself relating a bit to those girls -- and even to the bachelor himself.

The girls are all a bit desperate and lonely. Why else would they put their lives on hold on the slim chance that this one guy just might be "the one"?

The bachelor is terrified of sending "the one" home. He only gets a few minutes with each one before he has to decide if he wants to continue to get to know them.

Every single one of them just wants to fall in love.

And I get it.

Now, would I pour myself into a tight, boob-boosting evening gown and recite cheesy pleas for a flower? No. But then again, I am doing something that I always said I would never do: online dating -- a fourth month of it, actually.

Every day, I log on and wonder if I'm looking at a photo of the guy that I could soon be sitting with here on this couch. I read a profile and quickly decide if I'm going to give him a "rose." (Oh great -- now I'm being cheesy.) Maybe I'm closing out "the one." Maybe he's not even on here. Most likely, he's not. Who knows -- maybe I'll find my bachelor on a plane or in a coffee shop. But until then, I'm still giving this a chance.

single on the 31st

Well, New Year's Eve is less than two weeks away, and I am 99% sure that I will not have a date. My time on eHarmony has been interesting -- educational and revealing, really -- but there have honestly been zero guys that I have truly been interested in. Perhaps it's because I haven't been as open to the idea as I should be. (As I've mentioned before, I really don't want to meet someone this day, but I'm trying to be open to it.) Or perhaps I really wasn't matched up with anyone that I should have been interested in.

At this point, I'm considering continuing my subscription into January. A little bird told me that a lot of guys join around that time of the year . . . you know, it's winter, right after the holidays 00 after they have spent a week at home, listening to their parents ask them when they're going to give them grandchildren. What do you think? Should I continue?

challenge #1

(illustration from http://www.pineconeandchickadee.com/)

The girls and I have decided to spice things up in December . . . kind of like adding rum to your eggnog. I mean, eggnog is good alone -- delicious, actually -- but add a little liquor, and things get interesting (and more delicious) fast. What I'm trying to say is, well, let's hope the blog gets a little spicier. (No, not like that!)

So here we go . . . the first of several challenges:

I, Must Love Banjos and Paris, hereby challenge my fellow bloggers to log into their chosen dating website (sounds kind of lame, huh?), and review their 10 oldest matches. You know, those 10 from October that you aren't brave enough to talk to, but are nervous to close because they seem potentially kind of great. After carefully analyzing their profiles and photos, either close them out or initiate communication.

Let's see how it goes!

And now . . . eggnog . . . mmm . . .

dear readers -- part 2

Well, we only had one question from one of you, so I'll go ahead and answer it. :)

The question was, "How do you all know each other?"

We all live in the same town, Boulder, CO -- well, for the most part. One of the girls recently moved to Denver.

As for specifics . . . I'll tell you how I, personally, know each girl (hopefully, this doesn't give too many hints regarding their identity):

Must Love Coffee & Skyscrapers: used to work together, and we became friends there

Must Love Tapas & Tannins: through mutual friends

Must Love Art & Music: went to college together

Must Love Blizzards & Basslines: through mutual friends

Must Love Passports & People: met through a mutual friend, and we're coworkers

Must Love Fireworks & Red Wine: went to college together

Must Love Teens & Beans: through mutual friends

Any more questions?

Oh, and we're thinking about each filling out a little questionnaire. What would you like to know about us, specifically?

dear readers

Dear Readers,

It occurred to me, after spending some time with one of you (yeah, you know who you are!) tonight, that you may have some questions for us.

Are there things you want to know? Perhaps a general question about the blog or the process? Or maybe you want to know more about a specific situation? Our current state of mind?

Feel free to submit your questions in the comments section of this post. We'll discuss amongst ourselves and address them as well as we can.

Thanks for reading!

Must Love Banjos & Paris

it's the most wonderful time of the year?

This weekend, I did a little Christmas decorating, which is typically one of my favorite activities of the year. And it was fun, but . . . at some point in the middle of perfectly positioning the sparkly garland and hanging my lone stocking above the fireplace, I realized that I was doing this alone. Again.

I fought through the tears with the help of Bing Crosby and a delicious latte, but I couldn't help but focus on my loneliness. For some reason, Christmas reminds me that I am single. Maybe it's the lovey-dovey couples everywhere, the increase in engagements, the snow and the romance it brings, or having to face my family and all of my (much) younger siblings and cousins who are now married and having kids of their own. Just once, I would love to take my handsome, artsy, funny boyfriend home with me. But, once again, that won't happen this year.

Until that day comes, I'll just focus on how easy it is for me to choose where I'll spend the holidays -- no fighting over his parents' house or mine. That's something to be thankful for, right?

Sorry if this is a depressing post. And yes, I'm the same girl who posted a list of things she was thankful for on Thanksgiving. That still stands. So congratulations: you have now seen the full scope of my mood swings! :)

thank you.

(photo source)

today is a day of thanks, so I thought I'd point out a few things, in particular that I am thankful for.

the ladies who have decided to join me in this dating venture and understand the challenges that come along with being single

encouragement from friends who are in good, healthy relationships

laughter

being single, as opposed to being in a bad relationship

the opportunities that being single provides

the hundreds of men who i've been matched with on eharmony, who remind me that there are still single guys out there -- and they want to be in a relationship

all of you, dear readers

hope

whiskey? no?

Okay, so I did it.

I actually went on a date with someone that I met online. Actually, I don't know if you can call it a "date." My friend refers to it as a "meet-up." I like this term better. He didn't pay. Well, he tried, but I beat him there (it was just a coffee shop, and we were just grabbing a light lunch), and I didn't feel like awkwardly waiting for him to get there, or making it seem like I was waiting on him because I wanted him to pay for it. Actually, I think he was bothered by it . . .

Well, maybe I should back up a bit . . .

So this guy and I started chatting about a month ago. He's perfect on paper: artsy, interesting, funny, smart, has a good job, etc. Just one e-mail into the "open communication" phase, he asked if I wanted to meet up. After an incredibly encouraging e-mail from a friend, I decided to say yes. I mean, why not, right? Still, I was nervous.

First of all, every single one of his photos online looked like a different person. How was I supposed to identify him? This turned out to be fairly easy in reality -- and so did the date, in general.

Tip: If you're nervous about meeting someone from online, meet up for lunch, and have a deadline. For example, we met on a Thursday, and I had to be back at work at a certain time. If it goes well, then great. If it doesn't, at least you have an out.

Anyway, he was a really nice guy, and everything that he said in his profile seemed to be true. He was interesting, artsy, etc., but I honestly wasn't attracted to him, and I felt like he was a little awkward. Also, I had to carry the conversation the majority of the time, which I did not enjoy. I found myself looking at the clock, which was strategically placed on the wall, right above his head.

We left the coffee shop, gave each other a hug, and he said, "Well, I'll e-mail you soon." I said, "Yeah, sure, definitely." But as I said it, I was already plotting the outline of my rejection e-mail. Brash? Maybe. But (and this may be a really weird statement), I found myself thinking that he was not the kind of guy that I could have fun with at a bluegrass show. I want a guy who will drink whiskey, slightly embarrass me by being overly chatty with everyone around us, and just, in general, have a good time. I don't think he was that guy.

Ironically, though I planned my rejection, he has not contacted me. It's interesting how quickly I can go from feeling like the rejector to the rejectee. (Are those even real words?) Yikes. I'm realizing that I may be a bit more vain than I had thought. Uh oh.

So . . . will I go out with anyone else from eHarmony? Maybe. I definitely feel more comfortable with the idea now. And I have proven to myself that I can turn a somewhat awkward situation into an okay one. Apparently, I'm good at talking about myself for an hour!

when coffee becomes scary . . .

The time has come: I have an official eHarmony date. We're meeting for coffee/lunch on a weekday. Because we both work for companies that give us a one-hour lunch break, this is good. Very good. If the date is terrible, I only have to stay there for a minimum of 60 minutes -- actually, less. If it's good, then . . . well, great!

In the mean time, I'll be worrying about

• what to wear
• what to say
• actually identifying him at the coffee shop
• not running into anyone I know
• etc., etc., etc.

Oh boy.

Stay tuned.

following

Based on the amount of comments and followers, not to mention the ridiculous number of random people who tell us they're reading our blog, we'd love to know how many readers we actually have.

If you haven't already become a "follower" of us, we encourage you to do so. If you're following anonymously or you don't want to be a follower, please leave us a quick comment on this post (anonymous is fine).

We're curious! :)

a day in the life

Awhile ago, Must Love Coffee & Skyscrapers gave you a nice succinct rundown of the structure of eHarmony; however, I thought I'd go a step farther and give you a step-by-step overview of the day in the life of an eHarmony participant. (Please note: We are not all doing eHarmony. Some are doing Match.)

Step 1: Check e-mail in the morning to see if I actually received matches. These mysterious notifications regarding potential dream guys (or not) sneak into my inbox at some point in the middle of the night. Most days, I receive somewhere between 5 and 10 new matches. Yes, every single morning.

Step 2: Log into eHarmony. This is more difficult than you might think. You see eHarmony must have realized that the temptation exists for friends and family to log into an account and have some fun with profiles and matches, so they don't "remember" your login name and password. I'm annoyed by this on a daily basis, though I'm sure I would be appreciative if the threat existed for someone to log in as me.

Step 3: Check out the new profiles.

Step 4: Review and decide if I am going to close them out, keep them, or start communication.

Let's take a look at today's matches:

Bachelor #1: engineer, 27 years old, 6'0", Christian, wants kids, drinks about once a week, never smokes.

Pros: Well, there aren't many. He likes Seinfeld. I guess that's a pro.

Cons: Might like Seinfeld a little too much; he lists the characters as the most influential people in his life. And his profile photo sort of looks like a mug shot.

Verdict: Close.

Bachelor #2: retail manager, 32 years old, 5'9", Christian, wants kids, drinks about once a week, never smokes.

Pros: Seems to really respect his mom.

Cons: He says his pets are his primary focus. Do I want to compete with animals? No. Also, he sent me an "icebreaker," which is basically equivalent to the winks of match.com. it said, "Just wanted to say hi!" but then he didn't start communication. I think this means he's throwing the ball in my court in a lame kind of way.

Verdict: I'll leave him open for now, but if he doesn't initiate communication this week, he'll be closed.

Bachelor #3: park ranger, 26 years old, 5'10", Christian, wants kids, drinks about once a week, never smokes.

Pros: Seems like a nice guy, but that's it. There is nothing about this profile that sticks out to me in any way whatsoever.

Cons: I'm not attracted to him at all. Do I feel shallow for wanting to close him out? Yes.

Verdict: Close.

Bachelor #4: real estate agent, 30 years old, 5'9", Christian, maybe wants kids, drinks several times a week, never smokes.

Pros: He's attractive, but not my type.

Cons: He barely filled out his profile. Basically, I know nothing about this guy.

Verdict: Close.

Bachelor #5: teacher, 32 years old, 6'0", wants kids, drinks about once a week, never smokes.

Pros: He likes sad music and refers to himself as a "closet hippie" (except he spelled it "hippy").

Cons: He seems REALLY into sports. I'm not attracted to him. Also, he only posted one photo, and he's making a really weird, kind of creepy face in it.

Verdict: Close.

Bachelor #6: sales rep, 34 years old, 5'10", Christian, wants kids, drinks about once a week, smokes a few times a year.

Pros: Likes Italian food. Again, nothing else sticks out to me.

Cons: His favorite book is The DaVinci Code. Admittedly, I read the book. It's okay. Is it my favorite? No. Should it be anyone's favorite? No.

Verdict: Close.

(Now, I'm sure some of you are thinking that I closed a lot of people out and that I'll never meet anyone by doing this every day. Maybe you're right; however, I do keep some open occasionally. Soon, I plan to write a post focused on reasons I keep matches open or initiate communication. Take heart, precious readers.)

Step 5: Check to see who chose to close me out. Yes, eHarmony forces you to look at them. Well, kind of. Admittedly, I check out each guy's profile to see what kind of guy actually decided that he didn't want me to be a part of his life. Really, can you imagine? Today, it's a 28-year-old special ed teacher who loves sports, his jeep, and helping people. Sounds nice. But he's not attractive, so this makes me feel better. Yes, being honest. Feel free to judge me.

Step 6: Check to see if any of the matches have sent me communication. None today. All are in "waiting for his answers" phase -- except for one, to whom I need to respond. Yes, I've been putting it off. But perhaps now is the perfect time, since you're walking through this with me.

These are the 2nd set of questions, and they come from a 28-year-old designer. Every single one of his photos looks like a different person; however, his profile intrigued me. He's artsy, loves music, has a husky (I love huskies), and seems really funny. Also, he mentioned that he loves NYC and going to the museums and galleries there. I like this.

I'll respond to his questions:

1. What is the one dream for your life you must look forward to having come true?

2. How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender roles? Would you like a man who maintains cars, managers the finances, and is handy around the house?

3. Tonight you can do anything you want, no penalties, no reprisals, and the cost is unimportant. What are you going to do?

I'd love to tell you my answers, but I won't. Not tonight. :)

Step 7: Log off.

Step 8: Wait.

something tells me . . .

that the last line might not be true . . .

• I consider myself to be courteous and well rounded. When it comes to wine, I gravitate to reds from Spain, or France. White wine is also welcome in my home. I can also cook and do so regularly. If there is anything else you would like to know, just ask. I am a very open person. Lastly, you will not be embarrassed by my behavior.

who didn't love you?

Recently, I joined a group of ladies and discussed the topic of rejection. If you're at all like me, just the sound of the word can make you want to run away and hide. The speaker asked a very harsh question: "Who didn't love you?" Ouch. Names ran through my head. My heart ached. I did my best to think happy thoughts.

But there was no escaping it; we have all been rejected at some point. We offered our hearts, and the recipient refused. Perhaps they didn't think we were interesting enough, beautiful enough, skinny enough . . . just not enough.

No matter how loved we are, no matter how many friends we have, those few that have denied us always seem to be more prevalent in our thoughts. The rejection outweighs the acceptance.

Today, I experienced my first rejection online that actually stung. A week or so ago, I was matched up with a guy. He was tall, handsome, played the guitar, loved his nephew, seemed interesting. I "started communication," and he ignored my request. I "nudged" him. He still didn't respond. I made up excuses . . . maybe his computer is broken, he's out of the country, he doesn't check the site often, etc. But today, he saw my request to communicate and closed me out. It's sort of like tapping someone on the shoulder, saying, "Hi! I'm blah blah blah," and having them turn around, look you up and down, and walk away without a single word. Ouch.

But rejection is part of relationships. It's part of this game. I don't like it. And I don't like rejecting guys because they're not handsome enough, not tall enough, not interesting enough, not enough. I feel like I do more rejecting than accepting, and I hate it. Really. But it goes on in real life as well, I suppose. But I don't have to tell someone that I'm rejecting them face-to-face like I do online. And I don't have to be told either.

I'm not sure that any of us will ever become immune to the pain of rejection. Anyone who can say that they are is probably lying. We all want to be loved, to be told that we're beautiful, and to feel interesting.

I don't have any concluding thoughts on this. I wish I did . . . some trite little saying at the end of this. All I have to say is that rejection sucks.

i'm trying to forget you

Sometimes I wonder if that's what all of this searching, seeking, judging, dreaming, hoping, etc. is all about -- just a girl trying to forget a boy . . . the quirky, imperfect, amazing boy with whom she compares every single one of these logical, systematic, online matches.

i do not want to live in the suburbs . . .

. . . but what do I want?

It's a question I've been struggling with for the past twelve days. While skimming profiles and viewing photos, I seem to be awfully good at knowing what I don't want, but I can't seem to nail down exactly what it is that I'm looking for in a guy.

Sure, I know a few traits:

• taller than me
• has an appreciation for music, literature, the arts
• likes to read
• enjoys traveling
• makes me laugh

But I'm finding there are other aspects that I enjoy as well, and they're incredibly difficult to nail down in a profile.

This weekend, I was talking to a friend, a guy that I adore, and he said something totally off-the-wall . . . actually, it was something that was so real, so down to earth, so painfully honest, that it seemed, well, eccentric. And it made me laugh. I found myself thinking, That's it! That's what I want. But I can't detect that in a profile. And I'm not so sure that kind of guy is online, looking for a girl like me. That kind of guy is out there somewhere. I think. But how do I find him?

The kind of guy that's online, asking to communicate with me is the type of guy who hopes he'll be living in the suburbs in 15 years. I'm not making this up. Here's the proof: answers to the multiple choice questions I sent to one particular gentleman. Based on these two questions alone (and lack of an interesting profile), I closed him out. This is not me. So not me.

	Where do you see yourself living in 15 years? A) a nice apartment in the city B) a house in the suburbs C) a house in a small town D) a house in the country
	If you could take a dream getaway, where would you most likely choose to spend a week? A) Paris B) Hawaii C) hiking in the mountains D) a cottage by the sea

I'm not giving up on this yet, but I am feeling rather pessimistic.

So far, I have been intrigued by one guy online. Just one. I sent him a "communication request," and he did not respond.

Of course.

So I "nudged" him.

Nothing.

And so I wait . . . always waiting.

automatic closure

Within this first week of online dating, I've found that the following "profile sins" get the match-ee an automatic "closure" (meaning I will no longer communicate with him -- ever):

• Featuring a photo of yourself with your shirt off -- for any reason.
• Mentioning that The DaVinci Code is your favorite book -- especially if "DaVinci" is spelled incorrectly.
• Considering your ex-girlfriend to be the most inspiring person in your life.
• Being passionate about triathlons or computers. (Yeah, I'm not that intense or that nerdy.)
• Being passionate about being passionate. (What does that even mean?)
• Not including a photo. (How will I confirm that you don't have three ears or glowing red eyes?)
• Stating that you don't read books -- just Popular Mechanics.
• Being most thankful for your cat. (I like cats, but not that much.)
• Using any of the following words: coy, lover, hygiene.
• Declaring on your profile that you don't kiss on the first date. (Is that really something you need to tell everyone up front? Just don't kiss her. She'll figure it out.)
• Answering the question, "What is the most important thing you're looking for in a person?" with this statement: "Good hygiene. I love a great smile, clean teeth, and good breath." (Really?!? That's the most important thing?)

Yeah, this should be interesting . . .

must love our contributors

Last night, a friend brought to my attention that some people may not realize that there are multiple contributors to this blog, so I thought I'd just take a slight moment (or a few kilobytes of server space . . . that was nerdy) to point out to you that we do, in fact, have multiple authors. You'll find their pseudonyms at the bottom of each post.

So far, here are the writers:

• Must Love Teens and Beans
• Must Love Tapas and Tannins
• Must Love Fireworks and Red Wine
• Must Love Banjos and Paris
• Must Love Blizzards and Basslines
• Must Love Art and Music
• Must Love Coffee and Skyscrapers
• Must Love Passports and People

As you can tell, we conspired to create names that reflected a couple of things we love -- and things that we hope our individual interests will enjoy as well. Our names, along with the title of the blog, are a bit of a play on words for the popular phrase "must love dogs."

Hope you're enjoying the blog!

hoping for a story

So, it has begun.

Like most of the others, I always said I would never try online dating. Being a romantic, I have always wanted a great story: We met at a concert. I accidentally rear-ended him. I tripped and fell, and he laughed at me. To me, online dating didn't seem to provide that unexpected funny story. Somehow, coming together as a group of single ladies and going through with this social experiment, it seems to make for a better tale. Right? We'll see . . .

Besides, you never know. Maybe I'll meet a great guy and then fall in love with his brother or best friend. That would be a good story, huh? Let's hope for something unexpected . . .